today is a big day for me...it's the 2nd anniversary of my dress rehearsal for death...and apparently, no one remembers! Guess it's not THEIR anniversary so...not something they would remember. i have been thinking about it a lot this week. Last year, not so much because..i was still in so much pain, still dealing with and experiencing very present signs that the heart attack was still a "today" experience for me....last year, everyday was a battle to get through the day NOT fretting "should I go to the ER because of these chest pains?" so...no reflection on the event last year. In fact, my buddy Teeto even collected funds at work and they presented me with a frozen turkey(recognizing that I only eat turkey!) along with a really nice card signed by everyone at work celebrating my one year anniversary. but, that was then.
Since the Lord healed me this past January and took away the presence of pain on my left side, I wake up each day with only a memory of the constant pain I endured in my chest...thankful each day since January that I have been healed and my heart is 100% restored...a perfect heart..no damage! Thank God!
today...funny, no one even remembers...I can't forget! I woke up at 6am, got into my truck and drove... to the hospital, parked my truck where I did 2 years ago...and walked into the ER and sat down and just reflected on the events of that morning.
I remember the sheer loneliness of being alone in all of this...no one was with me, no one there to share the fear that all of this was really happening to me, only to me...a 49 year old me..it was frightening!
So...two years later--no one has said a word, and...i am not going to even mention it...not going to bring it up,but...I know! I know that it's MY anniversary..the only anniversary that I do NOT share with anyone!
And...I am grateful...that God spared me 2 years ago today..My dress rehearsal with death...
Not ready for a Last Curtain Call...I have a few more acts left in this play I call life...not at the last scene yet! Nope...I am hoping for a Revival of sorts! a long run...as I act out this script called life--
thankful that God said...not yet, go back and do more of what I called you to do! Just do it all for me!
And I recommit Lord, today...to doing it all for you...I know you didn't forget what today was... when you woke me up at the exact same time I was awakened 2 years ago..so I could retrace my steps of that day...the Day God Spared My Life!
So...I am NOT Gone...and for others in my life...they have forgotten but..I will NEVER forget!
God is on the throne...and I lift my hands,heart and voice in praise of His Miracle in Me!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
come back in 3-5 years, now go live your life!
Those are the BEST words I could hear. After waiting for a week to find out my results, the doctor said, nothing to worry about, in the scale of precancerous, you are at the very lowest end, so you have nothing to worry about. If it were me, I would get out there and live my life, and so should you!
My wife was sitting next to me. I took it all in. I wanted to make sure. I had 5 questions, and he answered each one with calm and certainty, I had nothing to worry about. The 2 precancerous polyps were so small and at the lowest possible grade, he couldn't even determine if they would have ever turned into cancer.
He said he normally would say let's check in 5 years, but...he knew I wouldn't want to wait that long, he said why not see him in 3 years. I offered next year, but he said it takes 3-5 years for a polyp to form, so it was a good time to check again.
Then he said...go live your life! You have a better chance of dying of a heart attack than dying of a precancerous polyp. I told him, "Well, I've had the dress rehearsal for the heart attack, and I lived to tell about it!" He laughed and said, "Okay, so...you have nothing to worry about!"
My wife was sitting next to me. I took it all in. I wanted to make sure. I had 5 questions, and he answered each one with calm and certainty, I had nothing to worry about. The 2 precancerous polyps were so small and at the lowest possible grade, he couldn't even determine if they would have ever turned into cancer.
He said he normally would say let's check in 5 years, but...he knew I wouldn't want to wait that long, he said why not see him in 3 years. I offered next year, but he said it takes 3-5 years for a polyp to form, so it was a good time to check again.
Then he said...go live your life! You have a better chance of dying of a heart attack than dying of a precancerous polyp. I told him, "Well, I've had the dress rehearsal for the heart attack, and I lived to tell about it!" He laughed and said, "Okay, so...you have nothing to worry about!"
Saturday, May 14, 2011
what did you just say? repeat that please!
I was on the phone, taking a call at work, and I saw my cell phone ringing. I saw it because I had it on silent, so I saw the number come up. It was a number I wasn't familiar with, and I usually ignore those, but...something told me to take this.
I did something I never do- I put my caller on hold and grabbed my cell.
I answered the phone. It was the nurse from my doctor who did my colonoscopy a few weeks back.
The results were in: of the 3 polyps removed, 1 was benign; 2 were precancerous.
What did you just say? Repeat that please!
They were precancerous...nothing to worry about, we will just watch things a little closer, having a repeat colonoscopy in a year and then every 2 years for a while, just to make sure no more show up. If they do, we will remove them while they are small. Please bring your wife to your scheduled appointment next week so we can discuss the next steps with her. Just Live your life, enjoy your grandson, don't stop living!
And with that Nurse Deb changed my life forever!
Point2Ponder: Have you ever been so startled by news that...it took your breath away? So dumbfounded by what was just said, you didn't know how to respond? Have you ever just wanted to roll back time and... let a call go to voicemail?
I returned to my caller and did what I never do...didn't hear a word they said. i stumbled through the call, having them repeat several tmes the purpose for their call. I wasn't listening, I was in shock. I had just been hit by a Mack Truck.
I ended that call and took a break. I went outside and walked around. Repeating the words of Nurse Deb. Precancerous...that's baby cancer? NO, that's could be cancer? NO that's if we had waited too long, would be cancer!!!
And all this started with a breakfast discussion with my cousins Larry and Millyan who begged me to get a routine colonoscopy. I was 51, and I shouldn't wait...they said, You Never Know!
They were so sweet and loving in their concern as they revealed their stories of routine colonoscopies that returned unexpected results-- they were adamant! they begged me to make an appointment! they made me promise them I would not delay--I had to do it this year! by June!
WOW!! what a providential breakfast discussion--If I had waited, like so many men do..
my PRE would not be pre....and, the words Just Live your Life may not be part of the discussion!
Sometimes, you just have to listen to your cousin!
I did something I never do- I put my caller on hold and grabbed my cell.
I answered the phone. It was the nurse from my doctor who did my colonoscopy a few weeks back.
The results were in: of the 3 polyps removed, 1 was benign; 2 were precancerous.
What did you just say? Repeat that please!
They were precancerous...nothing to worry about, we will just watch things a little closer, having a repeat colonoscopy in a year and then every 2 years for a while, just to make sure no more show up. If they do, we will remove them while they are small. Please bring your wife to your scheduled appointment next week so we can discuss the next steps with her. Just Live your life, enjoy your grandson, don't stop living!
And with that Nurse Deb changed my life forever!
Point2Ponder: Have you ever been so startled by news that...it took your breath away? So dumbfounded by what was just said, you didn't know how to respond? Have you ever just wanted to roll back time and... let a call go to voicemail?
I returned to my caller and did what I never do...didn't hear a word they said. i stumbled through the call, having them repeat several tmes the purpose for their call. I wasn't listening, I was in shock. I had just been hit by a Mack Truck.
I ended that call and took a break. I went outside and walked around. Repeating the words of Nurse Deb. Precancerous...that's baby cancer? NO, that's could be cancer? NO that's if we had waited too long, would be cancer!!!
And all this started with a breakfast discussion with my cousins Larry and Millyan who begged me to get a routine colonoscopy. I was 51, and I shouldn't wait...they said, You Never Know!
They were so sweet and loving in their concern as they revealed their stories of routine colonoscopies that returned unexpected results-- they were adamant! they begged me to make an appointment! they made me promise them I would not delay--I had to do it this year! by June!
WOW!! what a providential breakfast discussion--If I had waited, like so many men do..
my PRE would not be pre....and, the words Just Live your Life may not be part of the discussion!
Sometimes, you just have to listen to your cousin!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
judging a book by its cover
at first glance, he was someone i would cross the street on the other side as soon as i saw coming my way. that typical thug look. silver chains, hat sideways, pants down to a place that HAD to be uncomfortable, mouth full of gold teeth! that thug! At my pool! did NOT expect that.
But i stayed, and i listened, then i opened my eyes, and i looked, then-my eyes really opened and, i saw!
Here he was, with his two little girls, about 3 and 5, a couple of flotation devices, on a beautiful april afternoon, 75 degrees, sun overhead, wind blowing..spring in full bloom.
And he was yelling "Go tasha, you can do it, daddy believes in you, you can swim..my baby is learning to swim..i am so proud of my tasha, my baby girl is swimming! stay close to the side but...move your arms, stay in the ring, but..you are swimming! my baby is swimming!!
She was elated! She said "Look daddy, i'm swimming..you taught me! i can swim!!!"
and there it was...the look may be a whole lot different, but..the words..the same as when i taught MY daughters to swim! and, i was both proud and ashamed at the same time!
POINTS2PONDER: Why do we assume we know a person because of how they look, how they dress, how they walk? What if someone misjudged us? wouldn't we want them to get to know us first BEFORE judging a book by its cover?
I watched, and I smiled and I reminisced. My baby girls are turning 29 in May...seems like yesterday.
I got my things, got up and started to leave, then I stopped, turned and spoke to Daddy:
"You're a good dad. They will never forget who taught them to swim. i taught my girls just like you did! You are a good dad!"
He was surprised and blushed as I spoke..guess he had misjudged me too.
Then I said, "Enjoy them right now! you will blink, and they will be turning 29, and you will wonder, where'd the time go? and you will be beating those boys to stay away from your baby girls!"
He laughed and then said "I'll beat them with a stick -- nobody will be good enough for my little girls! they'll have to come through me first!"
I laughed and thought...that's exactly what I used to say!
Just two dads teaching their girls to swim...twenty-five years apart! but..nothing's changed!
and I smiled all the way home...cause...some things haven't changed, have they?
But i stayed, and i listened, then i opened my eyes, and i looked, then-my eyes really opened and, i saw!
Here he was, with his two little girls, about 3 and 5, a couple of flotation devices, on a beautiful april afternoon, 75 degrees, sun overhead, wind blowing..spring in full bloom.
And he was yelling "Go tasha, you can do it, daddy believes in you, you can swim..my baby is learning to swim..i am so proud of my tasha, my baby girl is swimming! stay close to the side but...move your arms, stay in the ring, but..you are swimming! my baby is swimming!!
She was elated! She said "Look daddy, i'm swimming..you taught me! i can swim!!!"
and there it was...the look may be a whole lot different, but..the words..the same as when i taught MY daughters to swim! and, i was both proud and ashamed at the same time!
POINTS2PONDER: Why do we assume we know a person because of how they look, how they dress, how they walk? What if someone misjudged us? wouldn't we want them to get to know us first BEFORE judging a book by its cover?
I watched, and I smiled and I reminisced. My baby girls are turning 29 in May...seems like yesterday.
I got my things, got up and started to leave, then I stopped, turned and spoke to Daddy:
"You're a good dad. They will never forget who taught them to swim. i taught my girls just like you did! You are a good dad!"
He was surprised and blushed as I spoke..guess he had misjudged me too.
Then I said, "Enjoy them right now! you will blink, and they will be turning 29, and you will wonder, where'd the time go? and you will be beating those boys to stay away from your baby girls!"
He laughed and then said "I'll beat them with a stick -- nobody will be good enough for my little girls! they'll have to come through me first!"
I laughed and thought...that's exactly what I used to say!
Just two dads teaching their girls to swim...twenty-five years apart! but..nothing's changed!
and I smiled all the way home...cause...some things haven't changed, have they?
Monday, April 11, 2011
Dare to Be Different
We all notice it...anyone who looks different, acts different, talks different...from the norm! We as a society talk a lot about embracing the differences, encougaging diversity, respecting dynamics that make us all unique, until...we are too unique, we stick out, we cause attention to be drawn to us. Then it's not embraced, encouraged or respected--it's noticed!
Point2Ponder: When is different too different? Why do we tell our children to be who they are and then worry that they won't fit in? Why do we allow the world to fit us into their mold, even if there's just no way we can fit! Why do we want our children to be accepted by the IN crowd when the IN crowd is going NOWHERE!!
This is where bullying (verbal, visual and physical) comes into play. We may not say it, show it or stress it, but we are just as guilty when we observe it and -- do nothing!
There's a saying that goes: All that is necessary for EVIL to continue is for good men to do nothing!
We say Dare2BDifrnt - but, all we really want is...to belong, be accepted, to be part of the group.
But...The Word says...
We are in this world, but we are NOT of this world!
The Word calls us pilgrims in a strange country!
The old hymn says we are "looking for a city, where we'll never die!"
We should be the people who accept those who do not fit in with the world..
because we should not fit in either...if we do, isn't there a Bigger problem?
So...next time you see someone with a unicorn on their head...let them know..they can swim with you!
Point2Ponder: When is different too different? Why do we tell our children to be who they are and then worry that they won't fit in? Why do we allow the world to fit us into their mold, even if there's just no way we can fit! Why do we want our children to be accepted by the IN crowd when the IN crowd is going NOWHERE!!
This is where bullying (verbal, visual and physical) comes into play. We may not say it, show it or stress it, but we are just as guilty when we observe it and -- do nothing!
There's a saying that goes: All that is necessary for EVIL to continue is for good men to do nothing!
We say Dare2BDifrnt - but, all we really want is...to belong, be accepted, to be part of the group.
But...The Word says...
We are in this world, but we are NOT of this world!
The Word calls us pilgrims in a strange country!
The old hymn says we are "looking for a city, where we'll never die!"
We should be the people who accept those who do not fit in with the world..
because we should not fit in either...if we do, isn't there a Bigger problem?
So...next time you see someone with a unicorn on their head...let them know..they can swim with you!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Apex and Nadir; Splendid and Sad; My Life, Why am I so Lucky???
I have experienced the apex of passion from the love of a woman I am married to and adore and actually don't think I deserve. Every day I ask myself how did I get to lucky? She treats me like I am beautiful and adores me in a way I only dreampt of and never ever thought I would ever experience. I spent 17 years with someone never feeling like this, and now, 13 years later, it is still so incredibly out of this world wonderful! I miss her when I am not with her, and I can't get enough of her when I am with her! I now have that love that we see in the movies or read about in novels or see on the street as we pass that couple who are kissing in the rain, oblivious to gawkers or the elements-- just caught up in the moment!
I also have experienced the nadir of pain of loss, missing the 3 most important things I have ever loved- my children. They are adults now, and they make their own choices as to their relationships and their alliances and their preferences, and...they never pick me! it's always and forever, either by commission or ommission, they choose, by voice or by silence, their mom! The forever victim, which means I will always be depicted as forever the wolf! The pain I still feel everytime they choose her over me, by their time and effort and attention and consideration...always pick their mom...they can explain it away...their mom hasn't found love to replace her love for me; their mom needs them to feel love; I have love, so I don't need them as much as their mom; and their mom always has some crisis that drags them into her life, into her drama, into her drain of a life...she needs them; they think-- I do not! they are so wrong!
Point2Ponder: Is their a price life makes you pay for sheer joy, true love and pure passion? If you have one, must you forego something else you hold dear? Must you balance splendid with sad?
I usually have a tie up to the point, but..this time, I am stumped. I can tell you that the splendid is rapturous but the sad is resonating...through my soul, my heart, my body...it just aches!
So...just not sure if I have to lose to retain what I have won...guess for me, I cannot have it all. Why?
I also have experienced the nadir of pain of loss, missing the 3 most important things I have ever loved- my children. They are adults now, and they make their own choices as to their relationships and their alliances and their preferences, and...they never pick me! it's always and forever, either by commission or ommission, they choose, by voice or by silence, their mom! The forever victim, which means I will always be depicted as forever the wolf! The pain I still feel everytime they choose her over me, by their time and effort and attention and consideration...always pick their mom...they can explain it away...their mom hasn't found love to replace her love for me; their mom needs them to feel love; I have love, so I don't need them as much as their mom; and their mom always has some crisis that drags them into her life, into her drama, into her drain of a life...she needs them; they think-- I do not! they are so wrong!
Point2Ponder: Is their a price life makes you pay for sheer joy, true love and pure passion? If you have one, must you forego something else you hold dear? Must you balance splendid with sad?
I usually have a tie up to the point, but..this time, I am stumped. I can tell you that the splendid is rapturous but the sad is resonating...through my soul, my heart, my body...it just aches!
So...just not sure if I have to lose to retain what I have won...guess for me, I cannot have it all. Why?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Count your blessings..seriously, count your blessings!
I woke up this morning counting my blessings! Actually amazed by how many of them I have. I have recently had people come back in my life that I thought were gone forever. A friend from my IBM days, a friend from my high school days, a friend from my YGS Choir days and...a friend I thought I had lost forever due to a disagreement. all of them have come back into my life in the last 3 months.
Point2Ponder: Why can't we spend more time thankful for what we have than bemoaning what we don't? Aren't there more things in our life that make our life meaningful? And, aren't the BEST things in life...not THINGS at all!
I know that there are so many things in our world that need help: our economy, Japan, unemployment, race relations...all things we wish were better. But, I ask you? what is good in your life? Are you loved, are you able to love someone? Do you have true friends? Are your kids healthy? Do you know the meaning of joy? Is there peace in your heart in the midst of the storm? Do you wake up excited to have another gift to enjoy?
Right now, take the time to just say outloud 10 things you are thankful for! Come on! Say it out loud!
See...I knew you could count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings, see what God has done!!
Point2Ponder: Why can't we spend more time thankful for what we have than bemoaning what we don't? Aren't there more things in our life that make our life meaningful? And, aren't the BEST things in life...not THINGS at all!
I know that there are so many things in our world that need help: our economy, Japan, unemployment, race relations...all things we wish were better. But, I ask you? what is good in your life? Are you loved, are you able to love someone? Do you have true friends? Are your kids healthy? Do you know the meaning of joy? Is there peace in your heart in the midst of the storm? Do you wake up excited to have another gift to enjoy?
Right now, take the time to just say outloud 10 things you are thankful for! Come on! Say it out loud!
See...I knew you could count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings, see what God has done!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)